So, you’ve been invited to a wedding - yay! You’re about to have an awesome day celebrating awesome people; it is such a joy to be invited to share in someone’s marriage celebration.
With that being said, I’m sure you’re wondering how you can allow your presence at the wedding to be a gift to your people above anything else. I’ve been photographing weddings for14+ years now, deeply care for my clients and everyone in their orbit (AKA - you!), and so wanted to share everything I’ve seen guests do RIGHT as an extension of that care. Read the tips below, take them, and run with them so that you can be the best wedding guest ever for the best couple ever. 💛
Respect the couple’s plans
It is so easy to get excited and share anything and everything that you love about weddings, but honoring what the couple wants for their day is of the utmost importance. They have done so much to bring them to this point in planning; hearing other unsolicited advice or asking for things they’ve already said they don’t want can sometimes feel disrespectful (even if you only mean to be helpful!). Some good examples of how to respect what a couple wants for their day are accepting if a couple doesn’t want to have a religious ceremony, being mindful of their guest list, and accepting their vendor choices. Also, love your couple well on their wedding day by not adding to their schedule in the moment; asking for extra photos or recreating an Instagram Reel may feel special to you, but may overwhelm or burden the couple. Weddings are big days, and they love you so much to have you included! It is so kind to have that privilege. But, let yourself be included while also trusting that they know what they want.
Be a positive communicator
We have all had unfortunate wedding experiences or been swayed by the negative skew of social media; however, sharing stories that tend toward a more negative light on a couple’s wedding day can really dampen the mood. Keep your stories light and encouraging (and no complaints!) so that positivity can shine on such a special day.
Trust their vendors
Your treasured wedding couple has already done the hard work of vetting, hiring, and paying the vendors who support them through a wedding day; trust that your friends have made good choices in their hires. Your job on a friend’s wedding day is to show up and celebrate them; not set up shots for the photographer or tell the florist how to put together centerpieces. These vendors do this for a living; let them do their jobs, and let yourself celebrate and relax. 🥰
Allow imperfections…especially in photos
No day is every truly perfect. As much as we like to tell people, “Your wedding is going to be perfect!” it won’t be - and that is OKAY. Let the imperfections on your friends’ wedding day tell the story. The documentarians (photographers and videographers) will adjust what needs to be adjusted IF it needs to be adjusted; please leave the train and veil alone during portraits, and don’t fuss too much over a wrinkle here and there. The imperfections help to tell the very human stories on wedding days; when these are “fixed,” it takes just a little bit of the storytelling magic away. ✨
Arrive early
Whether you are a guest or someone in the immediate family or wedding party, arriving early is always appreciated. This is especially true if you are needing to be in photos.
Listen to what the couple wants
Your couple has done so much planning and prioritizing to get to this day; they’ve done the hard word of strategizing with each other and with vendors to make sure that their day flows in the way that makes them feel most loved. Listen to what they want. Don’t have your phone out during their unplugged ceremony (look for the signage and listen for the announcement). Don’t insist on bringing a plus one if one was not offered. Don’t take over the family photo list. It’s their day - let them live into it the way that THEY want to.
Know that people will ASK if they need help
So many of us are nurturers, and love to step in to help with anything on a wedding day; sometimes, we are such nurturing individuals that when we AREN’T helping, we feel awkward and search for ways to help. But sometimes helping with things that no one has asked for is more of a burden than anything else. Your couple and their vendors will ask if they need help. Everyone loves your helpful spirit, but sometimes the most helpful and generous thing to do is to enjoy the moment with your people. 💕
Communicate only what is necessary
Couples are often inundated with communication on a wedding day, and it is hard for them to basically be ON for the entire day. With that being said, congratulatory texts are always thoughtful and appreciated! But, if you’re running late or needing an address, don’t text the couple - contact someone else at the wedding. The couple should be your LAST point of contact on their wedding day. (Also…I don’t feel that this should need to be said, but it does: RSVP on time; it is not fun for any couple to chase down their guests for RSVPs).
Be respectful to vendors
I hate sharing this rule of thumb, but after photographing hundreds of weddings for over a decade, it’s one that I feel is very important to be transparent about:
Be mindful not to make any sexual comments - whether innuendo or explicit - to or around any vendors. Truth be told, comments like this are absolutely unnecessary in mixed and professional company; you can talk however you want around your friends, but when you pull vendors into the mix, it creates a hostile work environment and can be considered sexual harassment.
Don’t be “that guy” at your friends’ wedding. They don’t want that for you, and neither do the vendors. 🙅🏼♀️
Be honest about your ability to commit
It is such a dear thing to be asked to be a part of someone’s wedding party; however, before you say yes, make sure you know whether or not you will be able to fully commit - energetically, time-wise, and financially - to everything that comes with being a part of a wedding. Will you be able to attend and contribute to every event celebrating the couple (both in presence and potentially also financially)? This can be engagement parties, bachelor/bachelorette parties, wedding showers, wedding brunches, etc. Will you feel comfortable wearing the attire the couple chooses, paying for it, and also paying for any other grooming services day-of? If you can’t commit to these things, that’s ok! Just be honest about it up front so that the couple can manage their expectations. 🙂
Allow them their privacy
Couples are on display on a wedding day, but there are pockets of time throughout that day that will allow them some much-needed privacy. It’s such a gift to them to respect this, and not insist on being there during these moments. Need for privacy will often be paramount while the couple is reading notes to each other prior to the ceremony, the first look, and right at the beginning of cocktail hour. Your couple loves you and wants you there, but also require kindness and understanding around protecting these pockets of peace on their wedding day. They’re glad you’re there, AND they will need space at certain times.
Keep your speech short
If you are giving a speech on a wedding day, please keep it to a timeframe of 2-3 minutes. Anything longer than that can feel like overkill. You can express your love and admiration for the couple, AND it can be done in a concise way. 💕
Stay sober until after the formalities
It’s fun to celebrate with libations on a wedding day, but save the heavy drinking until after the ceremony and photos are done. When people are drunk during key moments of the day, accidents happen, and the photos actually take much longer because direction is not being taken. Stay sober-ish until all of the formalities are done; then, enjoy that open bar to your heart’s content.
Know that you will be standing on the grass for photos
Make your shoe choices accordingly (maybe stay away from the stilettos), and try to keep any less-than-positive comments to yourself when getting into poses. As I mentioned before, keeping conversation light and positive goes such a long way on a wedding day!
You may notice if things go awry
Weird stuff happens on wedding days because weird stuff happens on ANY day. If you notice something happening a little differently than you expected it to, roll with it. The couple will usually ignore it, and so should you. Don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s not worth your (or the couple’s) peace.
Be flexible
Wedding days require a different type of schedule and stamina. You may be up early and leaving late. The same is true if your kids are in the wedding. While kids’ routines are important, it’s ok to have this one day where their schedule is shifted. And, even if they are cranky during photos because of their schedule change, that’s ok. Most photographers and videographers are gracious with children, and happy to let them be documented however feels best for them in that particular moment.
Be aware of the couple being burnt out on photos
It is such a cute phenomenon to see a couple being asked over and over for selfies at their reception…and, it is a not-so-cute phenomenon to see their body language say “I know I need to do this but I don’t want to.” The truth is that, while it’s NICE to get a selfie with the couple, it’s not a NEED, so if you notice that the couple is finally getting to sit and truly enjoy their day, let them. Maybe you can get that selfie later. 💛
Love on the couple
Love can be shown in all different ways on a wedding day - most of the things shared above are some of the BEST ways to express your love without being overbearing. Be kind to your couple, don’t complain to them, and just let your presence be your gift to them more than anything else. ✨
As a kind send-off note, this blog post was compiled with the help of dear clientfriends who so graciously shared their experiences with me. I hope you can hear my heart in my writing - that I want you to be set up for success to support your getting-married friends as best as possible. Love isn’t always felt through outwardly expressive sayings or gifts; a lot of my clients have shared with me that they feel most loved when they are listened to. If they have shared this blog post with you, know that reading it and keeping these best practices in mind is a form of listening to them - and, therefore, loving them. If you’ve stumbled across this blog without someone sending it to you, you now have some ideas in your back pocket to really help care for your friends and family members well - you’re basically a wedding love ninja.
It is a rare person who listens well.
Thank you for being that rare person. 💛
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